Hey, all! I’m back with a new blog post. I wanted to write this post about lessons I learned recently upon returning to social media. I’ve often struggled with feeling validated and comfortable in many relationships, and I wanted to share this as an encouragement for those who may have the same struggles as me.
For those who may not remember, I completely left social media in 2019. My mental health was at an extremely low point from March 2019 to January 2020. I had encounters with heartbreak, friendship loss, and trauma that permeated my mental and spiritual health so deeply, that I honestly lacked confidence in me ever healing or being able to be myself again. My decision to leave social media was out of concern for my well-being, as I had less hope I’d be okay if I stayed.
I permanently deleted my old Facebook account in May 2019, and deleted my Snapchat account in September 2019. When the pandemic happened, I slowly began returning to social media, using only group chat platforms such as Discord and Group Me. Both were useful and nice in helping me reconnect with old and new faces, as well as find more ways to broaden networking for my art and writing. I eventually returned to Snapchat with a new account in June 2020 and to Facebook with a new account in September 2020.
My break from social media was very much needed: I was able to grieve-though, not always in the healthiest ways-with seeing events or people that could hurt me further on a screen. I was able to gain more clarity on who I did or didn’t want in my life. I also gained a deeper appreciation for those with whom I kept in contact, and had a higher appreciation for friends-old and new-in helping me get out of my depressive, hopeless mindset. I also found my faith again, and felt less detached from God.
However, the one thing I regret doing in leaving social media was how I left. I gave no indication I was disappearing from these platforms; thus, those who may have wanted to keep in contact with me-but who didn’t have my phone number-thought I either cut them from my life or had something happen to me. Therefore, when I did return to social media, I felt both relief and guilt in reconnecting with these wonderful individuals. Yet, on the flip side, I was reintroduced to the ugliness and miscommunication that are able to stem from social media.
The deletion of my old Facebook profile and me attempting to reconnect with some individuals with whom I lost contact within the past year made me realize that not everyone wanted to have me back in their life…some never did even before I left social media. I found out that some “old friends” were still bitter over a misunderstanding that occurred five years ago-a conflict I thought was resolved at that moment. Instead of communicating their desire to not have me in their life, they repeatedly made me believe that no problems were present, often talking to me and inviting me to hang out in group settings. The revelation that they haven’t cared about me in all that time-and seemed to have no issue in me removing myself from everyone digitally-was a slap in the face. Furthermore, I found out some chose past toxic individuals in my life to be their friends and made it clear in me attempting to reach out they wanted nothing to do with me.
These situations confused, angered, and saddened me. I began to doubt my return to social media as being a good idea. I also began to doubt the growth and healing that had happened to me within the past year. I thought I changed for the better; I thought I became more aware and committed to taking care of my emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. I thought that I was able to effectively drown out the once negative opinions and pressures I so often felt from my past experiences on social media and in life off the screen. I thought I became less inclined to care if people didn’t like me. But, I was feeling like the traumatized shell I became in the time period of early 2019 to early 2020; I felt unlovable and unworthy of love and care from others and myself.
However, through the support of my partner and loved ones, my therapist, and God, I was able to maintain some reflection-even if I did regrettably dive into pitiful tears and self-hatred as my first response. My reflections on the past made me realize that those individuals who hid behind veils of sugarcoating and deceit on how they felt about me weren’t worth my time, and that I was better off not having them return to my life, and vice versa.
I reflected on my past experiences with them, and realized I often felt belittled, unhappy, and fake with them; I realized I wasn’t able to be my true self without them rejecting me or criticizing me (not in constructive ways). And while I made poor choices for which they were at points valid to keep me at arm’s length, they also didn’t bother to see my perspective or get to truly know me as someone who wants to grow and be the best person I can be for those around me and myself. They saw me as a 2D person rather than someone with flaws. I didn’t need people who were going to pretend things were fine when they weren’t, and then become bitter with me for not seeing or understanding their problem with me. I needed people who’d love me and keep me accountable in a mutually supportive and real relationship.
I still have my moments in both loving and hating my return to social media. I still also at moments feel lingering sadness for the interactions I’ve lost. However, these interpersonal losses helped me to grow as a person and to make room for those who are worth my time and energy. My return to social media has caused me both stress and joy; and, it also taught me lessons about friendships.
nbiello1994 